In this episode: I share a story about someone I know who committed suicide recently that I'm sure I could have helped.
To better contextualize that, I go into my own history with depression and why I believe I am the perfect 'vehicle' to help others who are going through similar experiences.
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I found out that my ex-girlfriends younger brother committed suicide. It's particularly upsetting to me because I don't know the exact circumstances surrounding his suicide. I've met him a handful of times when we were together,
I just saw that look.
When I was younger, I went through an extremely depressive episode where I was thinking about suicide all the time. Nobody outside of me would have had any idea.
I was just quiet,
I didn't share this stuff with anyone.
Anyway, most of the time when I'm making videos, I imagine myself talking to a younger version of myself.
That 13-year-old version of me, I've even thought about, do I need to cut that loose at some point? is there going to be a point where that's no longer serving me?
I decided, at least for the time being, that that 13-year-old version of me, that depressed, wanting to kill himself version of me is, someone I'm just going to carry around for the foreseeable future.
He's there all the time.
He's there when I'm working,
He's there all the time.
In any case, I think I was fortunate in that I had video games.
My dad is fantastic.
He's one of the most amazing people. He's taught me that people can change, but at the time he was someone that I was just terrified of.
I didn't have any male archetype. And so, it was through these video games, through these role-playing games, where even now, a lot of the archetypes that I aspire to, a lot of the things that I wanted to be, my relationships, my friends were just characters in these video games. I was able to put myself into the role of the hero, and so, for that reason, really specifically that reason because of video games, that's how I'm here right now, that's why I'm doing all the of the things I'm doing.
In my own way, I'm trying to save the world.
Maybe find a princess too.
I was very fortunate in that I had that.
I know that my ex-girlfriend's brother didn't have any of that.
I could see that thing in his eyes.
Every time she would tell me about him, I would think to myself like, "Man, it would be really cool if I talked to him. I should talk to him. I should just have a conversation with him."
And for some reason, I wouldn't.
But I know that if I had, I'm the perfect person to talk to him.
A lot of the things that I do, a lot of the things that I ended up becoming, were kind of to show that younger version of myself what I was capable of. A lot of the things I do even now are to kind of prove to an earlier version of myself that was so hopeless, so depressed, like, "Hey, look at all the stuff you can do. I'm so proud of you."
I'm really proud of myself.
And what's really interesting about all of that is that you know, I pursued all of these things initially for the wrong reasons, and because I had some degree of self-awareness, and I was able to amplify that over time,
I was able to be extremely conscious of how I felt as a result of what I was doing, that I realized that it wasn't fulfilling me. That there was something else that I really ought to be pursuing which is just to be the best version of myself.
I originally started a business, and I wanted lots of money so that I could have more perceived value to women so that I could be able to afford more of the material things that I thought would bring me happiness.
As I actually started to get into salsa, and started to observe why I was doing these things, and get to a true understanding of why I was doing these things, I was able to course-correct.
I've been able to give shape to this false reality.
I've been able to do all that stuff powered by this previous version of me, powered by all of the sadness, and the frustrations, and all of that negative energy that previously may have resulted in me taking my life by being able to perceive that a different way.
If you think about the amount of energy, if it accumulates to the point where you're ready to kill yourself, imagine being able to shift things in your mind to perceive that same energy in a different way.
Imagine how powerful that energy is.
Because I don't know where I'd be right now if I didn't have to live through that,
It's hard for me to not feel guilty.
I know how easy it is to hide that stuff from the outside, how to basically just be invisible.
I guess the main point of all of this is I don't want this to happen again.
At the very least, I don't want to feel like there was more that I could have done.
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